16. What is your biggest fear right now?
My biggest fear right now is that I might lose him. And I really don’t want to come up to him out of nowhere and whine about how sad I am because he’s not talking to me again. Because this time, I was the one that made the decision to back off and give him space. But sometimes…it just gets so hard, because I’m just…waiting for the moment when he’ll talk to me again. Because at least then I’ll know that he was thinking about me.
I mean, really…I don’t know where we went wrong or where a step was mistook. It just seemed to come out of the blue. He was just suddenly so cold to me. Eventually he’d told me why, but it seems like I’m just really fucking useless when it comes to trying to help people that don’t even seem to want the help. And I found out that I’m not what I seemed to be before.
Blah. I dunno. But things changed so fast, I didn’t even realize it until it punched me the face. And now…because of those changes…I’m starting to wonder if he even still feels the same way. I suppose I’m just the kind of person that needs to be told I’m loved constantly. Or shown it. I dunno. The best way that he could have showed me it would be a random text, right in the morning. It wouldn’t even have to be about love or whatever. Just a good morning, how are you doing, sleep well, have a good day, etc. Any of that would have been perfect, on that day that marked six months. Unfortunately, due to my stubbornness and his whatever-ness, nothing happened that day.
Shoot I’m getting off topic. Anyway. I’m afraid of losing him. I’m afraid that he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m afraid that he’s going to find someone else eventually. I’m afraid that all of this and the future I see with him will all just vanish, like a dream. Like one day, I’ll wake up, and I’ll be completely alone. Tossed aside. Ignored. I’m used to that sort of thing, but not with such strong attachments to someone like him. And that’s why love is such an evil thing. The more I love him, the more risk I run of getting hurt in the end. And if that end ever meets me face to face, I think that I just might die. Physically? Maybe. Emotionally? Yes. Mentally? Definitely. I wouldn’t even be the same person anymore. And that is why, more than anything in the world, I’m afraid to lose him.
8. If you could have anyone next to you right now, who would it be and why?
Whenever I get this question, I smile a bit. Either with happiness or sadness. Because there’s really only one person that comes to mind.
I want him to be with me. Next to me. Whatever. But I do. Why? Well, simply because we’ve never been together, physically. That’s the trouble with these goddamn long-distance relationships. You meet someone over the internet, they’re the greatest damn thing you’ve ever known, and you’re trapped. Hopelessly in love.
Me, I have had the unlucky pleasure of being physically single and untouched for the first seventeen years of my life. As I am only eighteen now, there indicates that somewhere in that time, all of that changed. Making friends with people who, by chance, lead you into a future with someone else you happened to stumble upon one day, and then that person being the thing that brings you closer to the one that changed your heart forever. And like I said, I’ve been single for a long time. I’ve never held a boy’s hand, let alone been kissed. Ever.
So it’s only natural that I would want that person to be next to me. Because I don’t want to have to rely on communication alone. Chatting via AIM…as convenient as it is, it’s nothing like sitting face to face with that person and letting your facial expressions and hand gestures and tone of voice do what it’s meant to do. And texting? It seems that route has started to fade away. I’d always found a sort of connection between us, because…I dunno. It’s his phone number. And I could easily call him, if I wanted to. And I do want to. But I’m such a wimp that, I can’t even bring myself to bring it up or do it “accidentally”.
Blah. This was much longer than it was supposed to be. But either way…I just want him close. And I want to hear his voice…someday.
4. Words you live by. Why do you like them?
“I love you.”
They’re perhaps the only words I really ever want to hear. And I mean, specifically, I want to hear them from the person I love. Not family, or friends. But him. Even if that person should change in the future, I will always live for those words. They’re the only thing that fuels my being, and keeps me just barely getting by.
That is all.
Punching myself for smiling.
I don’t want this kind of reaction to talking to him. Just. No. NO.
And he said he’d text me tomorrow…meaning he’s probably never deleted my number like I did to his.
asdfghjkl
No. Just no FUCK NO.
NEVER IN HELL IS THERE EVER GOING TO BE SUCH A CHANCE.
/endrant.
Talking to my ex again.
It’s so weird. It really is. It’s really strange how I can talk to someone else so differently than I do with a certain someone. And him, at that. I dunno if I like it or not. But it so pisses me off when he calls me by that nickname. >3> Like, you lost the right to call me that a loooooong time ago…
Welllllll.
At least he made attempts to talk to me today~.
But damn. Why are guys so fucking weird?
Gaahhhhhh…
I really love/hate reading people’s long messages to each other on Tumblr. The couples, I mean. The ones that are in the same position as me. I love them because they’re so cute, and I hate them because I don’t ever get anything like it.
And then I do this weird flailing thing and end up hurting myself. But yeah. I dunno. I’m so envious of how great some people have it. Talking on the phone every night, good morning and goodnight texts, and long messages like those…it’s a shame he’s not the type to ever get into something like Tumblr, though. I think that would make things sooooooo much easier…because he’d at least see the part of me that’s really nerdy/stupid in some way or another.
Ahhhh so envious…You guys have it so good, in this position at least. So lucky…
